As most of my loyal followers know, I am on twitter quite a lot. About ten times a month I get messages on twitter from starting (Pro-) Dommes about where to start and what to expect. So I have decided to start writing a bit.
Disclaimer; these are my experiences and my two cents. Everybody has their own journey and I don’t expect that my way will be your way. It will just give an insight in what might be an option to consider when you venture into this scene as a pro.
BDSM as a professional is a vast different thing from doing kink in private but it also shares similar aspects. For one being able to put into words what your own ‘triggers’ are and your own boundaries is a good starting point. If you know yourself and can safeguard that you are having fun and take care of your body, mentally and physically, then you can take care of the other person as well. But also every playpartner you will encounter will have interests, boundaries and triggers.
In private and professional play you usually, but not always, ‘negotiate’ with the other what kind of play is ok, what safewords you use and what is feasible. The difference between private and professional is to me that there is a tribute aspect where you cultivate an experience in a setting catered to fulfilling fantasies and triggers, whether it’s your own or the sub’s or combined. I’m not saying that if you play at home with your partner you can not organize a great session. But in a Pro setting you are the person who has knowledge, the necessary instruments, experience with safe practices, a location in tune with the dynamics etc. Creating this experience takes for one a lot of time, a lot of patience and a drive to find that special level of playing with energy, empathy and levelling with the person in front of you.
Professional playing takes a lot of time as I mentioned. Roughly I would say that it consists of:
- 25% Administration. Answering e-mails, phone calls, instagram/fetlife/twitter messages, whatsapps, but also doing your taxes, organizing and renting locations/booking travels and hotels.
- 30% Preparing and cleaning. Be prepared to invest a lot of time in preparing the location. Making sure everything is medically graded clean and spotless. Cleaning toys after, arranging towels/laundry buy Spotify Plays (of course subs can do it but usually you do a better job yourself in my opinion ;)), changing the bedding.
- 25% is Playing and Time Management. Most bdsm sessions start with a introductionary talk about interests, medical histories, any physical or mental issues (for instance if the client has autism or parkinsons disease or low bloodpressure, or if they use medicine) to take into account. It’s fairly common for subs to take a mandatory shower (at least with me), this will take 15-20 minutes. Then you have the play, the after care and after talk with drinks.
- But for some sessions, there is extra time necessary to prepare. For instance inflatable bodybags/vacuum beds take a lot of time to put together and to clean. And how about wearing a latex catsuit and cleaning it afterwards. This is an elaborate process. This is all time you have to invest. Roughly I try to keep 1 hour to 90 minutes in between sessions. For every session I take 15 minutes beforehand and 15 minutes afterwards for quality time with the sub. Sometimes less or more depending on the sub. And then of course a minimum of 45 minutes cleaning. So it’s very easy to spend 2,5 hours on a 1 hour session. I do want to emphasize this is my way of organizining sessions, there are many other ways to do this.
- 20% is investing in toys, clothing and knowledge. Of course if you are starting out it is fine to buy general cuffs and a few floggers to get a feel. But if you are a pro Domme it is very important that you know how to safely tie somebody. There are a lot of free bondage tutorials online and for a small amount you can buy a mannequin and use that as a bunny to learn your knots (and great, a doll will not complain ;)). But I’d advise to find ropelounges on fetlife. Those are small gatherings of 10-20 people where they learn knots and ropeskills. Or invest in a private bondage workshop. I have had bad experiences but also good ones, most important is that you learn signs of bodies and that blood can flow easily.
- Also think of getting a workshop in Domming from known Mistresses, for example Madame Caramel. Learn good practices from people with experience.
- Toys; good quality bdsm toys are very very expensive. A nice flogger can be 60-100 euro and will last you lots longer then a cheap one. Just start with one or 2 good pieces. You can easily get a good cane or horseriding whip and some basic leather cuffs to start out. If you need rope buy a big roll and cut it to your preferred lenghts and burn the edges with a match and you are done. It’s less expensive, easy to put in the washingmachine and easily replaced.
- Get Spoiled. In the beginning of my pro career over time I got amazing regular clients who all spoiled me with new pvc boots or latex outfits. Just start with one or 2 basic outfits which you like. Latex and leather can be very expensive. Stick to a budget and if subs ask for a particular outfit let them bring/buy it for you. If they do not want to then don’t worry; you will find subs who love you and want to support you. Just don’t chuck out 300 euro’s to accomodate another persons wishes. You are in charge of your choices!
- Be aware with dildo’s and mouthgags from rubber or cheap silicone; they perish easily and you will have to buy new ones in order to manage hygiene. A good maker for leather toys and gags for good prices is mchurt.eu in Germany. I find that male sexshops like Rob.eu in Amsterdam usually sell great quality dildo’s and cocktoys. They have a 10 percent discount member card.
- For latex I would advice CoCo latex in Madrid or Chronomatic Latex in Berlin. Libidex is great too but since Brexit very expensive for non-UK residents.
- Another tip; buy what you like to wear. If you like nylon, lingerie, vegan leather, doctor Martens or rubber flipflops; it’s your body and your choice. You can take clothing requests if you are up for it. This can be part of your boundaries too.
So a quick summarize; Pro-Domming is an investment. In time, cleaning, preparing, administration, playing and having fun. It’s a very good idea to make an overview of your budget, where you want to play (hotels, domestic, bdsm studios), the costs of gloves, cleaning supplies, toys, etc.
Factor this in, pay your taxes, get a bookkeeper and decide on your price point. This is also the reason most bdsm sessions are 200 euro or more per hour. It’s a very expensive thing to be a Mistress and to sort everything out. Give yourself time to let it develop. Find what works for you. But never undersell yourself.